Everyone has seen a wall. Walls serve two purposes: To keep things in, or to keep them out. In the same way, sometimes, we build these imagery walls inside our mind to shut out the world and keep us to ourselves. For much of my adult life I have had these walls built around me as a form of protection. This was my method for emotional protection.
Laboring countless hours, I tried to build them as tall and thick as possible. This project, funded by both my choice and experiences, was a reaction to my reality. Doing this made me feel safe, made me feel like I would not be able to be hurt. What I didn’t realize was it was because of the hurt that made me feel I had to do this.
I was, and still am a very sensitive person. I suppose this is perhaps natural for some empaths? However unlike some, instead of moving foward in life with an open heart, I did the opposite. It was natural for me to be more guarded and protective over my heart.
It was being bullied in school, it was learning how not to be sheltered, to be “cool.” It was a form of detachment from moving so much that taught me the importance of these walls. It was important to keep distance, and have this disconnect from the relationships, no matter how big or how small. These were what laid the foundation. This gave me solace of knowing that no-one would be able to hurt me again.
However, for the last few years, this constant work to keep up the appearance of these walls become a tiring process, and I started to realize the mistake of my ways.
Regardless of how hard I tried to protect myself from emotions, the reality was it was still there, and it had been there all along. I had just chosen to look the other way all these years. Perhaps they came out in other ways, in my case, in the form of anger, depression, and anxiety.
At some point in my life when I had started to take inventory of the relationships around me, I had realized that through my personal choice to continue to labor the construction, what it was doing, what I was intending, to keep people away was doing just that. The only difference was I realized these relationships: friends and most importantly family genuinely wanted a connection that I wasn’t giving them.
I am still not sure what changed? Maybe I am becoming older or perhaps more mature. Or maybe it was the situations that led me to this point in time and space where I have started to see the importance of these relationships.
Today, I am taking the time to take down these walls. Taking time to nurture these relationships that are the most important ones of my life, in order to foster a more positive future…
A future where I will be more present, more receptive to recieving love, more open in life in general. I’m sure as it took many years to built, it will also take time to tear down. But I have begun to take all the necessary steps…one at a time.
This weekend, I have a flight back home to see my family. Perhaps uncharacteristic of my typical behavior, however important for me to do!
The Tower is a lightning bolt of clarity and insights. One where the walls are broken and come crashing down. All built on an unstable foundation. No matter how painful or vulnerable, after the Tower experience you will only grow stronger and wiser. Moments like these in life are necessary for spiritual growth and to bring about positive change.